Since the Conservatives have fired their Toronto Centre candidate, they’ll need a new one. That’s likely to be a challenge, given how the last guy was treated. And clearly, since their last candidate wasn’t a good fit, they’ll want to make it clear that they’re going in a different direction this time around. I’m a generous soul, so I’ve decided to try and help them out by creating this job posting. (It’s draft, of course. They’ll have to edit it as they see fit.)

Wanted: Conservative Candidate for Toronto Centre

We’re looking for a mindless drone to join our team of followers. The successful candidate will be adept in taking orders and should have limited ideals and opinions. This individual will not win the next election, and should at no point attempt to overcome this reality. Impressive economic and business credentials are counterproductive, and are not aligned with our organization’s objectives. Since Toronto Centre is arguably the most diverse riding in the country, it’s important that this individual does not see colour, and instead recognizes that Canada has only one culture, and that there’s only one kind of real Canadian. Adeptness in doublethink will be necessary, in part because the individual will be a Torontonian who doesn’t like Toronto. Low personal integrity is an asset, and independent thinkers need not apply.

Experience/Skills:

• At least 5 years experience working as a puppet (not a puppeteer), parrot, punching bag or in a related field.
• Has a basic understanding of the metaphorical significance of the “North Star,” and/or can pronounce the words “North Star.”
• Recognizes the irrelevance of affordable housing, environmental issues, quality education, recognition of foreign-trained professionals, etc.
• Has avoided HIV/AIDS events (or at least is discreet about having attended).
• Malleable personality and political beliefs, ability to easily fit into our “Cookie Cutter Campaign^TM.”
• Flexible ethics and a willingness to circumvent the law for the good of the Party.
• Ability to exercise extreme discretion regarding our plans for “incremental Conservatism” until after we secure a majority.

About The Conservative Party

The Conservative Party was formed in 2003 when the Reform/Alliance party successfully completed a hostile takeover of the Progressive Conservative party, thanks primarily to the hard work of double-agent Peter MacKay, who expertly secured the leadership of the PC party by promising not to merge the party with the Reform/Alliance. Our strengths come from the most positive traits of our predecessors: the neo-conservative values of the Reform/Alliance form the base of our policy, while the annoying and inconvenient grassroots orientation of those parties was discarded. Instead, the PC party’s more top-down authoritarian culture was adopted and significantly enhanced.